By Nishanth S Coontoor
Growing up, when I attended weddings, I recall sitting in loud wedding halls and enquiring the names of the “uncle” and “aunty” getting married. My focus and priority was always the laddo in hand. But I did feel this sense of responsibility to know who was paying for it and the meals to follow.
This continued until recently when a distant relative jokingly asked my mother when I was getting hitched. We all had a good laugh and she responded with a “Soon.” I looked at her. She looked back with a “What.” And it suddenly hit me that I was soon going to be one of those “uncles” who were paying my free wedding meals!
Preparations for bride search began the next day. My mother had taken up the role of the relationship manager and my sister was her tech support. Mum got onto Facebook and began “liking” every picture I was tagged in. She stalked my wall for potentially disruptive posts and made a list. They called it the cleanup phase. Pictures on social media now go through two stages of approval.
Content creation came up next. My name was up on most matrimonial websites with approved pictures to support. I was shown my profile, and I must admit, was impressive. For one, I did not know I had a reasonably presentable face. And for another, the many (many) talents identified on my profile. I gave the team inputs on bride preferences – the basics – “smart and well educated.”
Outsourcing bride search seemed to be one of my best ideas. Or so I thought.
Nevertheless, we were all set.
Searches on matrimonial sites go through three stages before acceptance. The first stage is the initial phone screen where the relationship managers (most likely the parents) chat. The second phase is a phone interview where the potential bride and groom talk. The last phase is an onsite interview over a cup of coffee (in my case, chai).
The phone calls began. So did the rejects.
One asked my educational qualifications. I have a Masters in Engineering. They wanted a double Masters (Engineering and Business). Then came another asking the name of the city I resided. The girl had specific geographical requirements. It did not work out. A third had specific minimum financial cut offs. A fourth thought my nose was too big.
This was job search all over again with “We regret to inform you that you are not a good fit. Thank you for your interest,” messages.
There was still hope. I could look into profiles and call them as well!
Most profiles came with Names like “Later” and “Not Now” with no pictures either. I later learnt the ingenious logic behind it. The girl’s families did not want to disclose her name until the second phone screen.
“So you want me to look at a profile that has no name or picture?” “Yes,” came a as-a-matter-of-fact response.
There was one profile that stood out with a name called “Soon.” I thought it was a refreshing positive approach taken by the girl. 5 points for creativity. 0 for rejecting me.
You know you have not done anything worthwhile in life until your parents sit across the dining table one evening and ask you if there is someone in your friend circle who you like. I had no answer.
My mother concluded the root cause behind this lack of progress was I did not know how to introduce myself correctly. “Yes, yes,” my sister added, nodding her head in agreement. “Look at Sharmaji’s son. He had 3 girlfriends in college and got married 2 months ago,” sighed a disappointed father. How many ways are there to say ‘hi’?
With no progress at home, I needed an unbiased third party to review this issue. I met up with a wise friend.
“You are clearly Uppit Coffee material,” she slammed. “You failed to plan ahead of time. It’s not that you did not have chances while in college.”
Uppit Coffee is a term indicating a combination of Upma and Coffee typically served by the bride or groom’s family when either visits the other during the onsite interview phase.
I was taken aback. She was right. I spent time in undergrad and masters studying, working on projects and assignments. And yet, I did not have Concepts of Physics by HC Verma as my wingman.
There was an immediate need for action. After an extensive research into dating apps, the markets they serve, their competition, I enrolled myself into one. I was determined to work hard. I could not let my parents (and my grandmother, uncle and nosey neighbors) down. I was even prepared to stand on the highway with a “I can provide a home. Call now!” sign. The stakes were simply too high.
After weeks of swiping right and sending many, many hearts out, I got a call back.
The girl in question was good and worked in the HR department of a company. I could get to know her and also the company I was interested in. Things could not have fallen in place any better way.
Needless to say, I got neither of the jobs.
Sharmaji ka beta beats me yet again.