By Nishanth S Coontoor
“How are you?”
“I’m doing good. Thank you for asking.”
That was, by the way, small talk. Nailed it. Like.a.Pro.
But learning the art of small talk was tough and a skill I acquired only when I arrived to the USA. I still remember the day I landed in Raleigh Durham Airport, the day Small Talk first flirted with me. <Insert hearts here>
August 3, 2011. 6.30 PM. A to be grad/broke student (whichever arrives sooner) is fresh off the boat. Wearing a navy-blue blazer over a black blazer, (that was the only way I could “carry” both outside of the overweight check in bags) with a cabin bag in one hand and three text books in the other, I was making my way towards the plane exit.
I was nervous and scared. Nervous because this was the first evening I will miss chai. Scared because of having to go potty in an unfamiliar toilet.
People ahead of me exiting the plane came to an abrupt BMTC sudden brake halt. I almost looked out of the windows with handpicked cuss words to offer. And that’s when it happened.
“How was your flight?” asked a voice from a seat on my right. Her smile brightened up those tired blue eyes. It was Small Talk wearing a pink lipstick.
Now, I come from a country where if someone is being nice to you, your first instinct is to show extreme caution. They obviously want something from you. They will most likely steal. Thoughts like maybe they are genuinely interested in your wellbeing or that they want to help you never cross your mind. It will take us many more “Aww…this will make your day” videos on Facebook to change this hardwired thought.
I did not respond. I chose to look away instead with a million thoughts racing my mind.
Maybe she is targeting my watch? Can my multi colored watch from BVK Iyengar road be as awesome as the red toothed paan eating seller claimed it is?
Or maybe she wants my Integral Calculus books. I can’t give them away. They have been with me since Dr. AVS’ IIT coaching class in BASE (Bull Temple Road branch).
No, it must be the Puliyogare in my cabin bag. Ah, it still smells so good. It should last for a week.
I could not get her out of my head. My love affair with Small Talk had just begun.
The many first dates went well. I saw her when the cashier checked out milk and bread in Kroger. I saw her when the tattooed guy complained about fuel prices in the gas/fuel station. I saw her when the old, bald man with the white mustache in Walmart welcomed me with what seemed like a pre-recorded “Welcome to Walmart” message.
Small Talk was everywhere. She was always giving. She put me ahead of her comfort-always wanting to make sure I was doing okay.
I wouldn’t call them misunderstandings, but I felt our relationship needed some interest-particularly from her end.
She always spoke in short sentences. It would have helped if she maintained eye contact when we spoke. It must be that research and thesis that’s stressing her out. We spoke about the weather every day. It was always too hot, too cold or sunny. Never perfect. But my love deserved perfect weather.
If it was a Monday, she would complain about it being a Monday (?). If it was a Friday, she would ask me my weekend plans, quickly adding a note on traffic and bad roads.
“Good Morning Nish,” she said, as we ran into each other in the hallway today. She was looking at her phone but she knew it was me. I liked the way she called me Nish, I must admit.
“It’s my birthday,” I whispered.
“I’m good. Thank you for asking,” she announced, quickly pacing away.
I was low all day. I cried during lunch.
What has Small Talk done to me? I used to be a straight forward guy who did not tolerate brainless filler talks. If you wanted something, you needed to get straight to the point and ask me before I cut you off. And today, I wanted to take small talk a step forward and have meaningful, genuine conversations?
I decided to get myself out of Small Talk’s small talk zone. I proposed in the elevator today.
“Hold the elevator for me,” shouted a senior manager I work with, running toward me in the hallway. This dude should not try to “run.” A horrifying image of what he would look like if he fell on that Michelin tire he had for a tummy crossed my mind.
“Take your time, take your time. We are in no rush,” I shouted back.
Out of breath, he entered the elevator, took out a now brown, previously white handkerchief to wipe sweat off his forehead.
“Is it Friday yet?” he asked, now covering his mouth so we don’t hear him breathing loudly.
“I know. It’s been one of those days.”
*Ding* The elevator began her downward journey.
“So what plans for the evening,” he asked, now blowing his nose before attempting to fold the moist piece of cloth in neat rectangles.
“Nothing much, just the gym,” I responded, taking a few steps backward, away from him.
*Ding*
And then it struck me. Why am I moving away from Small Talk when I needed to get out of the “zone?”
“You know what, I want to change that response.” It was a strange feeling where I could tell I was crossing that social line and going out of the comfort zone. Anything could happen. Small Talk could say yes. We may go for that second date. It could happen right now! I was going to tell her about my life goals. I was going to tell her about my fears. I was going to teach her 5 ways to tie a garbage bag.
I turned around. My feet were facing him as well (this, I hear, is important). I made intense eye contact.
“Eh?”
*Ding*
“I am not going to lie buddy; I don’t think I will make it to the gym today. It’s because I don’t have clean clothes. I was supposed to do laundry over the weekend but was busy stalking friends on Facebook. So, I don’t have enough clothes to wear this week. I literally counted available chaddis, ran a solver in excel and allocated them across days. This T-shirt was also worn last Wednesday. Do you remember you liked the prints? It still smells okay.”
*Ding*
“I think I will get off the elevator now,” he said, making a face. I was blocking the elevator exit.
“No, you won’t.”
I pulled the stool and sat down. “I need to tell you the whole story.”
“So, where was I?”
“Oh yes – the clothes calendar. You would think I can do laundry today, right? But I can’t. I don’t have quarters. I could go get quarters but I am waiting for the paycheck. Will I get a raise this year? I need at least a $20 raise per paycheck to afford weekly laundry.”
“While growing up, I did not expect life to turn out this way. I always sat in the first bench. I did my homework, partially because I was the bench leader but I always did my homework dammit. When I went to the school day trip in Class 7, I even took my Physics text book with me.”
“And here I am in this to-be-soon-smelly situation. Laundry was always taken care of by Devarajamma, my maid. But how life has changed since I got to the USA.”
“I must tell you that I think Devarajamma has changed. When I was talking to my mother on skype, she told me she came to work 30 mins late today. And to top it off, she is asking for a 5 day vacation this month to go to her village. I think she is originally from the Mandya area.”
“My mother was tensed. I think I almost saw a tear drop. My dad had to buy her a new saree to cheer her up. When she asked me what to do, I offered her some of the negotiation strategies we developed for the supplier negotiation earlier this month. You don’t remember? It’s the one where we lost and took a price increase instead.”
“My mother however won the negotiation. She is a tough lady. It’s now a 4-day vacation. Isn’t that mind blowing?!”
“Remind me to never ask you your plans – even during performance reviews” he said, before rushing out of the elevator.
“But why?”
I did it. I continued to sit on the stool for a whole 20 mins, blushing, unaware of the elevator going up and down.
<Insert an image of the sun rising and setting. Clouds moving. Birds chirping. Dogs barking. Auto drivers asking for One-and-a-half here> Many days passed by.
Since the proposal, I haven’t heard anything back from Small Talk. She continues to talk weather. I think she has commitment issues. I’ll play along, but you know I’ll be waiting.
Glossary:
Chai: Tea
BMTC: Transport Department in Bangalore that runs local bus services in the city
BVK Iyengar Road: A road in Bangalore that sells electronic goods.
Paan: a combination of Betel leaf with areca nut often chewed for an extended period.
BASE: a coaching institute in Bangalore.
Puliogare: Spiced tamarind rice
Kroger, Walmart: departmental stores
Chaddis: Undergarments
Mandya: a small city 100 kms from Bangalore.